You could be happy…

I thought that the awful feeling in the pit of my stomach would subside by now. Alas, it lingers.

Yesterday, I made a decision that will alter my future forever.

Yesterday, wasn’t a circumstance that I found myself in, it was a choice I made.

Yesterday, I found myself alone in a courtroom surrounded by strangers.

Yesterday, I found my voice, my big girl voice, even though it had to pass through a quivering and shaky mouth.

The injunction hearing was in the morning. As I saw my husband in his orange jumpsuit walk into that room, no amount of mental preparation could keep my emotions intact. Tears escaped my eyes before my breath could catch up.  Hearing his voice broke my heart in so many pieces I thought the whole world could hear the crash. That was the day I started my goodbye.

Three months ago when I decided that hiding my husband’s illness was not helping him get better, it opened the floodgates of truth. It allowed me to be honest with myself. It unveiled secrets. It  set me free from my denial of the last three years.

However, no matter how liberated I feel, I still feel an overwhelming amount of pain. The last three years haven’t been ideal, but they haven’t been miserable. I can remember sweet moments, hilarious times, and love. The other side of the last 3 years were filled with worry, violence, alcohol, drugs, lies and sickness.

Witnessing bad patterns and cycles were my life.

Instability became expected.

Days prior to the hearing I was listening to Snow Patrol and this song came up…

That song embodies how I feel.

I truly want the best for my husband. I also wanted to be the best for my husband. Living in denial was possibly the worst thing I could ever do for him. I wish I could turn back the clock. Unfortunately, I do not specialize in time travel.

There are some people in my life that are telling me the type of person I am. Either praising me  or scolding me for what I am doing. Ultimately, I am not a saint, a martyr, or heartless… I am a human.

I am not saying goodbye because I don’t love him. I am saying goodbye because I do. I want him to be happy. I want him to be healthy. I want so desperately to be there to share it with him…

 

But if I am honest with myself, I know without a shadow of a doubt that this situation is not allowing either of us to live. So now I will put on my big girl panties to perfectly accessorize my big girl voice and stand here and take whatever consequences come my way.

Dedicated to Snugglebot:

“You could be happy I hope you are.You made me happier than I’d been by far…
Do the things that you always wanted to without me there to hold you back. Don’t think, just do.
More than anything I want to see you go take a glorious bite out of the whole world.”*
~Gob Gob.

 

(*Lyrics and Music by Snow Patrol, “You Could be Happy”)

 

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