After having a very dramatic past few months, I kind of feel uneasy about the sudden calm. I am soooooo glad that my husband is doing better. It isn’t that. The doctor said that he has made a lot of improvement from week to week, and I am more than happy that he is.
I guess my uneasiness stems from fear. When he was having active hallucinations, acting impulsively, and getting out of hand I was so enveloped in it that my main focus was his health, getting help, finding out what is wrong, and the drama of it all. Now that it is identified and time to move forward, I don’t know which direction to go in.
I don’t know what our future holds. I don’t know if we should have kids or when it would be a good idea. I don’t know if , when or where he should get a job. I don’t know how we are going to pay bills. I don’t know if we should start the long process of disability. I don’t know if I should get a second job. I don’t know anything about what our future holds. That frightens me to my core.
I never envisioned my life to be like this, then again, who does? It isn’t that I am not happy, I just feel lost. I feel confused. I feel overwhelmed.
I have been reading a lot about the job situation for schizophrenics and I need to stop. There is a lot out there saying that people with this illness can’t do much with their life. I refuse to believe that. I
had have high hopes for us. I know we are meant to beat the odds. I have always known that I will beat the odds regardless of what statistics say. It just isn’t easy when you look at your bank account and the stack of bills and no one is winning, or when your friends are pregnant or adopting and you don’t know if you ever will get to feel that joy, when you see people going on vacations and you don’t think it is safe, let alone, affordable.
However, despite all of this fear I have to stay strong. To beat the odds you must fight the odds. There is going to have to be some adjusting. If Abraham Lincoln can have a spouse with schizophrenia and rise above it, so can I. As this great man once said, “In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.”
Although fear has a way of creeping in, I should always to remember to live life. Living life to the fullest is the only way I can ensure that statistics will not define me and my family.