Help. My entire life, “help” has been a nasty four letter word. I cringe at the thought of asking for help or, heaven forbid, needing help. I am the girl that doesn’t think guys are the only ones that can do heavy lifting. I can open my own door. I can take care of myself. I can pay my own bills. I can do anything a man, an older person, a younger person or another woman can do. I hate asking for help with costumes or props. I hate asking my mom, authority figure, or friend for advice. All in all, I hate asking anyone for anything that I can do myself. I want to have all the answers or find all the answers myself.
This so called strength I think I exhibit has turned into one of my biggest weaknesses. Independence is great. However, doing everything comes with a price. That price is loneliness and it will cost me my own health.
For two months I went to work and church, talked with co-workers, friends and family, all the while remaining silent about what was going on at home with my husband. I thought I would only worry our family, cause co-workers to doubt my ability to work efficiently, I didn’t think my friends would understand, and I thought everyone would judge
him, me, us.
The moment I opened up and told someone, I was surprised. Yes, there was worry and lack of understanding but there was also something unexpected… support. Where it is still very difficult to ask for help, I am finding that I NEED to. As much as I want to be, I will NEVER be Super Woman. I don’t have all the answers.
Lately, I have been trying delve deep and figure out why I hate that four letter word. What I have found is that I refuse to be a burden. I know that everyone else has their own stuff they are going through. Why would I want to add my issues to that? I don’t feel like I deserve other people’s time and energy. I feel like I should be able to do this on my own.
Then I realized that by having that mindset I am saying that I am the only one that has compassion or cares. No, I should not become too needy or co-dependent, but I am not giving people enough credit. Just as I LOVE to help others, there might, just might, be other people out there that feel the same. I may not deserve a ton, but that doesn’t mean that the people I love don’t have hearts. When I allow others to help me when they want to, I am allowing them the joys and blessings of helping and giving to others.
At the end of the day, I still have to hardest time admitting I need help and bringing myself to ask for it. However, maybe I can train myself to view the word “help” as just another normal word with four letters instead of a four letter word. Love, hope, gate, doll, form, help.