My four letter word

Help. My entire life, “help” has been a nasty four letter word. I cringe at the thought of asking for help or, heaven forbid, needing help. I am the girl that doesn’t think guys are the only ones that can do heavy lifting. I can open my own door. I can take care of myself. I can pay my own bills. I can do anything a man, an older person, a younger person or another woman can do. I hate asking for help with costumes or props. I hate asking my mom, authority figure, or friend for advice. All in all, I hate asking anyone for anything that I can do myself. I want to have all the answers or find all the answers myself.

This so called strength I think I exhibit has turned into one of my biggest weaknesses. Independence is great. However, doing everything comes with a price. That price is loneliness and it will cost me my own health.

For two months I went to work and church, talked with co-workers, friends and family, all the while remaining silent about what was going on at home with my husband. I thought I would only worry our family, cause co-workers to doubt my ability to work efficiently, I didn’t think my friends would understand, and I thought everyone would judge him, me, us.

The moment I opened up and told someone, I was surprised. Yes, there was worry and lack of understanding but there was also something unexpected… support. Where it is still very difficult to ask for help, I am finding that I NEED to. As much as I want to be, I will NEVER be Super Woman. I don’t have all the answers.

Lately, I have been trying delve deep and figure out why I hate that four letter word. What I have found is that I refuse to be a burden. I know that everyone else has their own stuff they are going through. Why would I want to add my issues to that? I don’t feel like I deserve other people’s time and energy. I feel like I should be able to do this on my own.

Then I realized that by having that mindset I am saying that I am the only one that has compassion or cares. No, I should not become too needy or co-dependent, but I am not giving people enough credit. Just as I LOVE to help others, there might, just might, be other people out there that feel the same. I may not deserve a ton, but that doesn’t mean that the people I love don’t have hearts. When I allow others to help me when they want to, I am allowing them the joys and blessings of helping and giving to others.

At the end of the day, I still have to hardest time admitting I need help and bringing myself to ask for it. However, maybe I can train myself to view the word “help” as just another normal word with four letters instead of a four letter word. Love, hope, gate, doll, form, help.

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2 thoughts on “My four letter word

  1. Stephanie day , I cannot express how much You have touched my life …. And inspire me to live life as if it was the last and realize that we all go through things in our lives that we may not have control over and that many people may not understand but I give you so much credit and have found a new respect for you , having the courage to express things that you are going through in your personal life .. Even though we might not be going through the same thing every post gave me a new way to think and feel a sense of being enlightened thank you so much you have always been an amazing person !!xoxo

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