On December 22, 2011 I married a wonderful man. A man many don’t understand. A man I love more than any other human being. The years leading up to our marriage were not easy. Emotional is the best way to describe it. We had to work through a lot of anger, distrust, and stubbornness. However, underneath all of that was the most pure love I have ever felt by and for another human being. The love found is the love guiding me now.
The last few months have been filled with frustration, motivation, curiosity, love, anger, fear and appreciation. The last few months have been the hardest I have ever had to deal with. The last few months have taught me about who I am, who I want to be, and who I can’t be.
After only being married for 5 months, my husband started exhibiting behavior that was strange and different from the man I married. He would sit and stare at a wall for hours, he would scurry away as I entered the room, he would grab invisible lights mid air and pop them in his mouth to gulp them down, he would make faces of discomfort and pure fear. At first I thought drugs were involved, but the more I observed him, the more I realized there was something more going on. We went to a Psychiatrist, a General Practitioner, an Opthomologist, and a Neurologist. Each doctor had their own take on this behavior.
Meanwhile, his symptoms were intensifying and evolving. He started hearing and seeing more hallucinations. He started conversing with said hallucinations. Paranoia grew within his mind. He would look at me and tell me “You are not my wife. My wife died. What did you do with my wife?”
Then last Saturday happened. After seeing my husband spiral down to the point of an alternate false reality,at his request, I took him to the hospital. He felt the hospital was the only place he would feel safe from the aliens that had already abducted me.
The next day they transferred him to a psychiatric facility for a 72 hour watch. When I went to get him, it was confirmed. My husband has Schizophrenia. It was a relief to finally know for sure. It also opened the floodgates of reality for me. I went from young wife to caregiver overnight.
After speaking to family and friends I have found a wonderful support system. Conversely, I also encountered my first bout of opposition and ignorance by a few. I have learned that I am much more of a fighter than I previously thought. I know I want to stand with my husband in sickness and in health. This is an opportunity to grow as a wife, friend, daughter, sister, and human being.
Someone recently told me that I chose to have this hard life. You know what I say to those that say (or think) that… To me a life without cause is a life without effect. This may make life harder but it makes the victories sweeter. The fact that my life isn’t easy just means that I am meant to be stronger, be tougher, feel love deeper, to learn life’s secrets, and be there for someone that needs love, strength, and hope.
I know life won’t be easy. In fact, today was one of the hardest since he has been discharged. Did I do everything correctly? Probably not. Did I learn something? Absolutely. I learned that I cannot be someone that gives up. I learned that I have to look at my husband with love goggles. I cannot begin to imagine what he is going through. He is so detached from reality. If I allow love to escape from reality then what is there for him to come back to?